When I fall asleep tonight
Watery moonlight awash on my walls
I will tuck around me tightly
the blanket of memories you wove with me
throughout our years together
friends and lovers and dreamers and kindred souls
From that very first thread
an awkward first dance
on a November Friday night in 6th grade
all ugly wired braces and stepping on toes
scared to get too close
hearing giggles from the friends who set us up.
Your baseball jacket warmed my shoulders
a few days later, after a Monday morning
half-torn note pressed into my palm between class changes
(with that crazy laugh of yours)
scrawled in that handwriting that made me soft,
“I like you. Will you go with me? (circle one) Yes or no.”
Who knew that note really meant
will you love me for 39 short years we have left together on this earth
will you love me in my darkness and light,
when I text you at night, afraid of my own thoughts,
when I cry (don’t tell anyone because cowboys don’t cry)
will you love my soul when I hate myself?
Will you love me just as I am,
unhealed and tormented but learning
rough on the outside
but soft as the ocean breeze between our fingers
on a starlit night as we watch Cuba disappear in the distance?
Will you love me even when I’m more
in love with you than I will ever admit, even to myself?
Will you love me when I fail
again and again
When I tell myself I’m not enough for you but
too much for this world
When I have to go to on a journey
to quiet the demons that never stop?
And as tears drop down into the jagged sharpness of my shattered heart,
and soak into that blanket,
I’ll sing one of Hank’s songs to myself in lullaby and
listen for you to whisper
Will you still love me
when you sip bourbon (even though you hate it)
when the loneliness I’ve left behind keeps you hollow and aching
for a hug, a touch, a call that never comes
when you don’t understand and can’t ask me why
I didn’t say something three days ago
when we laughed over drinks about past lives and
looked forward to future plans?
When you remember I promised you I’d see someone
about this darkness
in 11 more days?
When you see the heart emoji
I sent you
after you told me
Will you still love me
when I’m no longer here to love?
Just like that Monday, so long ago
my answer will be yes.
every time, yes.
to every question, yes
again and again, yes
the way it was when we were together.
until the demons are gone, yes
and you can join me under that blanket, yes
and your heart beats under my ear again
Yes and yes and yes.
I’ve never not loved you,
my big goof.
Until we meet again,
If you’re facing mental health issues or have ever had suicidal thoughts, please reach out and ask for help. The things your mind tells you are not true. You are enough, you are loved, and you are the light in the lives of many people, whether you’re able to see past your darkness or not.