I’m starting this without a title, because often when I write, titles come to me in the writing process. The one I erased was “Two Stones With One Bird”, an obvious twist on the old adage of “two birds with one stone,” which makes a point but doesn’t quite get to all of the meat of what I’m feeling this morning.
Yesterday was G’s memorial service. In some ways, what I expected and anticipated, and in other ways, opening several new tangents for me to follow–meaning unanswerable questions to sit with in my meditation practice. (I’m planning to do that as a challenge of sorts for the month of August, and sharing it–I’ll link to the post when I have the idea fully fleshed out). I am not a person of endless whys, I am a person of sitting and feeling the sadness of dead ends and no answers. Yesterday just gave me more questions for that inquisition.
The people at the memorial were perfectly lovely, sad, shattered, broken, and confused souls. We shared that collectively, even if the ‘eulogy’ fell flat. If you know me well, you already know my feelings about preachers at funerals and memorials, and if you don’t, you can probably make your own inference now. Luckily, the love and memories outweighed the misaligned words, so there’s that.
To summarize, today I’m processing the day after the memorial service for the only person I allowed myself to love deeply and unconditionally after my husband’s death.
Also? I’m processing that this would technically be the 32nd anniversary of PM and I. Now, understand, I’m not one to cling to what’s passed, but for 25 years, July 28th was a date that connected us to the calendar of our lives. My grandfather passed away in 1991, and I still sit in thoughts of him on his birthday in June, and the day he died in December. There are just dates that have meaning in one way or another, and this happens to be one of them. I tend to like to sit and think of the 29 years we did know each other, all the crazy things we did together, all the ways I miss him, the things I want to tell him, and imagine him and my brother in Spirit doing crazy things in “Heaven” the way they used to do here on Earth. It’s just my way to remember the good.
But today I’m torn. I am in a place of trying to connect the energy of my one soul and mind to the memories of two separate men on the same day for different but meaningful reasons. I may have to sit in meditation more than once if only to keep myself afloat. I’m really grateful that someone higher than me (Spirit, God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, whatever you need to name it) was looking out for me and had my psychologist schedule an appointment for this afternoon before any of this was anticipated. Sometimes others know more than us, and trusting in that is a bigger message.
At any rate, I think I’ve found a title. Let me know what you think. Have a lovely day.