I’ve been up since 4:35 am after a horrifying dream.
Unable to go back to sleep, I opted to write my morning pages and move into meditation, as is the usual flow of my pre-dawn days.
You all know I’ve struggled this week with my purpose, with moving forward, with what to do and how to do it. I’m still on the very-very-very edge of that, but in a good way. I’m coming out of that mental space.
One HUGE reason why is that in meditation this morning, I realized that a lot of this issue is coming from one thing: the need to be “right”. Let me explain.
I am at the end of my teaching leave of absence. Not a surprise. I am not going back. Also not a surprise. I have several new teaching gigs lined up, some of them with potential for long term, some of them volunteer. All aligned with my heart, soul, values. I am excited and nervous and anxious about them. In good ways.
But in my subconscious all week. all I have heard is the voices of people over my journey who have questioned me about my own heart-aligned choices. I need a real job. I need to do this, or I should do that. Most of them I don’t pay any mind to because the fact that they don’t understand how much of my soul I had to give up to keep going to a job that was no longer the job I wanted to do (for a long time) means they don’t know me as well as they think they did.
Yet they had a point. Even though I am financially able to handle my current obligations for a few years without issue, I do want to make more money. I don’t need piles. I neither need nor want to be a billionaire or millionaire. I want to feel more secure, and I know what that will take for me. It’s a chat I had with myself for a few years before making the choice to leave.
And this was the cause of my struggle. I started to accept and not question whether or not what they said really should matter to me. Yes, I would like to earn more money and yes, I have very marketable skills. But I refuse to sell myself out, or take a part-time job just because it means it’s right for someone else. I know my potential and I know I can get there. And I know it isn’t in showing up to do meaningless work when I could be taking care of myself better.
I struggled because I believed what was right for them was right for me, and compared myself against it. They think I should have a job. They think I should be doing x with my time and not y. They think I should be on the societally-mandated hamster wheel and giving away my days for minimum wages.
Not only should I not do that, I will not do that. Asking myself the question of what’s right for me, and how do I go about getting more deeply connected to that, was my meditation practice today.
What’s right for you is wrong for them. What’s right for them is wrong for you, if you blindly accept without consideration. Neither is right or wrong, they simply are. But if my right doesn’t look like your right, does that make it wrong?
Only if I don’t trust myself to know what’s right for me.
Trusting that you know the difference, can feel the difference, and can build a life on that difference IS the difference. Trust yourself and you’ll have all the answers you need.
If I live by my trust in myself, and you live in your trust of yourself, we’re unstoppable.
Am I right?